We have all seen the quotes about not judging other people because we don’t know what their struggles are. Often, we form an impression of someone based on a sliver of knowledge about their life.Two of my siblings are 15 and 13 years older than me and were gone and living out of province when I was a young kid. I excitedly awaited their visits, but a day or so before they were to leave the anticipation of being left was overwhelming and I would start to cry and couldn’t pull myself together. The rest of the family would be enjoying a barbeque or gathering and I would be up in the bedroom sobbing my little heart out. My parents didn’t know what the heck to do with me; none of their other kids acted like that. After an episode, it just wasn’t discussed.
Is it difficult to describe the feeling if you have never experienced it? It comes over you in waves, and it can elicit crying, fear and even panic attacks, so it is definitely unpleasant.
Even now, I wouldn’t say I like to stay away from home overnight. I’m not sure where my separation anxiety came from. It has just always been something I have had to deal with.
When I was about six, I got my tonsils out in Prince Albert and had to stay in the hospital for several days. When my parents left, I watched from an upper floor window with tears flowing as they walked to their vehicle. The nurses eventually moved me away from the window. I had never been away from my parents, so that was a pretty big deal. I don’t remember when they came to pick me up from the hospital, but I must’ve been one happy little girl.
When our kids were in the hospital for various things, I never left them alone. It was a different time than when I was a kid as my parents were grain and cattle farmers and they couldn’t sit there with me for days. Mom didn’t have a driver’s license then, so she couldn’t make the two hour round trip to spend time with me by herself.
There was a pattern, I nagged my parents relentlessly until I got what I wanted. One year I pleaded to go to John Bosco Summer Camp as my friends were going. It was a couple hours from home and sessions ran for ten days. I’m not sure what I was thinking getting myself into that, but once I got there they were not going to come and get me; although some kids did go home early. I recall one night feeling homesick big time. I started to write a letter home but I was so exhausted that I fell asleep and woke up in the morning with the pen and partly written letter lying on the wooden floor of our tent. I had survived the night in spite of myself. Camp was fun and it was a good experience, but I had no desire to go again.
Growing up, I never had my own bedroom. I shared a room with my older sister and when she left, my little sister moved in. When we graduated from high school, my bestie and I were excited to get an apartment and attend post-secondary schooling, but when I got there, I was homesick for months. The Hubs and I had been dating for several years by then, so it was him that I was attached to and missing, poor bugger. He made many trips into Saskatoon to see me during the bad patches.
It was a good thing I had my roommate's support, or I probably would’ve packed up and gone home after the first month. I rarely stayed in the city on weekends. I didn’t want to be there any longer than necessary, but not having a car, meant I had to hitch rides home with whoever was going that way.
So that my ride wouldn't have to wait on me, I lugged my suitcase along with my heavy book bag to school on Friday mornings on a crowded city bus and shoved it into my locker. On some Monday mornings, Dad would drive me to a designated spot on a grid road so I could catch a ride back to the city with another friend. I was like the Littlest Hobo. We were exhausted on those mornings and six a.m. is harsh in the dead of a prairie winter. She dropped me at school and off I went, suitcase in tow, to start another week.
One of our granddaughters suffers from separation anxiety, particularly the idea of being separated from her mom. She is six now and is adamant that she’s never moving away from home, ever. Even if her mom goes to the store or out for supper, she has many questions about whether her absence is truly necessary. Her sisters do not suffer this same way, so is it nature or nurture or is it a personality trait that some of us have? We just have big feelings.
Do you or a family member have experience with separation anxiety? Mine is a part of my mental health journey, I suppose. Mom was rarely gone overnight except for a couple of brief hospital stays and Dad went on the occasional fishing trip. I recall that they did go on one trip as a couple to Ontario and my older sister came home to stay with my brother and me. We were constantly bugging her, saying we were hungry or lonesome; she told us that hunger was just a state of mind. I never forgot that.
Familiarity brings comfort; we feel safe and secure with what we know. Whether you live in a tiny house or a mansion, home is home, and there’s no place like it.
When it comes to separation anxiety, I think that a person should keep pushing forward, as the less you expose yourself to uncomfortable situations, the more fear and anxiety take hold of your life. You say no, I can’t go without realizing how often you do it and quickly it becomes your go-to answer.
I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being comfortable staying home, but there should be some balance in your life. People who isolate themselves can become crushed by social anxiety, never wanting to go anywhere. Eventually, people will misread you and stop calling.
Once I have agreed to go somewhere and do it, I usually enjoy myself. I know I just overthink things. I have had more regrets about places I haven’t gone because of irrational and unfounded fears than the places I have gone.
When our kids left home, being separated from them was tough for me and it took a long time to adjust. The link to the story of my empty nest experiences is listed below.
There is a different feeling when you’re the one leaving from when you’re being left. Going seems to be less traumatic than being left. This is partly because when we are preparing to leave, we are distracted and focused on the act of leaving - packing, travel arrangements, etc. The person being left is focused on the impending separation. There is always an adjustment period before I go somewhere and when I return.
What Does Not Help
- ridiculing or being dismissive of their feelings; although the reaction may seem excessive, it is genuine to the person experiencing it
- discipline is not what’s needed
- discouraging them from trying again is not beneficial
Tips To Manage Separation Anxiety
- reassurance builds self-confidence
- confirm that they understand they haven’t done anything wrong
- praise them for trying and encourage them to try again
- communicate in a calm, positive tone
- distraction (I know this is hard to do in the middle of the night when there is nothing else to focus on) try breathing and body relaxation exercises
- journaling
- bring headphones to listen to music, a podcast or an audiobook
- positive self-affirmations
- aromatherapy
- let them talk about it
- if you have been in that situation, share your experiences (this will help them to understand that it’s OK to feel that way and that they’re not alone)
Mental health conditions such as separation anxiety or any type of anxiety are a huge thief of time. The loss adds up little by little over the years. When I think back to the times I didn’t go somewhere or try something new because of those feelings, it makes me sad how much time I lost and what I missed out on. None of us can get those moments back, but we can move forward and try to conquer obstacles no matter what stage of life we are at. Start small, even if it’s only a little bit of your freedom that you get back that is something to be proud of. It is worth the effort.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month; please take the time to evaluate your mental health and seek help if needed. Please do not be ashamed or embarrassed if you suffer from separation anxiety; whether you’re a child or an adult, your feelings are valid.
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