Photo credits to Grace, Merv and Caden Richter
A robin decided a pot of flowers hanging from my brother and sister-in-law’s deck in Alberta would be the perfect location for her new home. This industrious robin worked hard for two days hauling the materials she needed to build her nest.
Over the next few days, bright blue eggs appeared in the nest. For fifteen days, she watched over her three precious eggs. The eggs hatched, and the little birds stayed in the nest for two weeks, and then one day, the nest was empty.....
I had been thinking about writing a story about our experiences when we became empty-nesters. When I saw the pictures of the robin’s nest that my brother, niece and nephew had taken, I instantly knew that they would be the perfect pictures to symbolize the emotion I wanted to convey in this story.
When our children leave home, it is a significant and poignant time in our lives. It is one of those defining moments that we know will bring with it significant change, like getting married or retiring.
Our daughter was the first to leave the nest. I started dreading the thought when she was in grade ten. We have always had a very close relationship, and my heart hurt thinking about being separated. She was focused and independent and started university at the beginning of July right after completing grade twelve.
The Hubs and I took her and her belongings to her new home - a tiny room at a student residence on a university campus. Once we had carried in her meagre belongings, there wasn’t much else to do but go home, so she walked us out. I can still clearly see her standing alone in front of that dorm, bravely waving as we drove away. I cried all the way home. I felt gutted. When I got back, I walked into her room and sat down on a hard wooden chair and cried some more—ugly cry. Many of us have done a bit of wallowing in our kids’ rooms, and it is alright to admit it.
The thing is, our nest wasn’t even empty yet. We still had a younger kid at home for another few years. I wasn’t ready then for my nest to be empty. Our kids are five years apart in age, so each one felt like an only child. I felt like I went through the empty nest experience twice.
Our son left home in the fall after finishing high school to attend a college three hours away. The Hubs and I had different experiences when our kids left. He held it together and was stoic the first time but had a hard time when our boy left home, and the nest was genuinely empty. He had spent so much time involved with our son and his sports activities that he was a bit lost when that ended. Suddenly there was no longer a whirlwind of coaching, practices, games and travel.
The house was quiet without the hustle and bustle of the kids' friends coming and going, meals and the laundry pile were smaller, and there was no one to nag to get their homework done or to get up for school. We no longer needed to attend school functions or parent-teacher interviews. What was the center of our life wasn't there anymore.
Kids from rural areas often leave home at seventeen or eighteen to find work or attend post-secondary schooling. I was a bit envious of my urban friends who got to keep their kids at home another few years to watch over them during that time of transition. Some young adults are living at home longer now for various reasons. Do what works for your family and finances.
Empty nest syndrome is a feeling of grief, and loneliness parents may feel when their children leave home. It is not a medical condition per se, but a phenomenon that some parents experience. It can be a potent emotional cocktail. You may feel guilt over missed opportunities to spend time with them. You may worry about what could happen to them without you there to protect them. How could they possibly survive on their own without you?
Tips For Empty Nesters
1. Stay In Touch
When I left home, I don't recall thinking about how my parents’ felt. I was focused on the future. I usually saw them on most weekends, though, as I was homesick—country mouse in the big city.
Communicating is so easy now by text, email, Facetime, WhatsApp, Instagram, Snapchat and so on that no kid has an excuse not to stay in touch with their parents. If you are one of the lucky ones, you may get an actual phone call, but don't hold your breath.
My older siblings left home in the late seventies before all this technology was available. My parents paid for long-distance charges by the minute so they would call, let the phone ring twice and then hang up. This call signalled to my parents that my siblings had made it to their destination safely. No charges were added to my parent's phone bill.
Staying in touch will help you cope and provide reassurance, but it usually needs to be on their terms; otherwise, they will get tired of it and will want to avoid you. So, try to give them some privacy and space.
2. Keep Busy
You may feel like you have lost your sense of purpose at first, but this could be the perfect time to take on new challenges in your personal or professional life. We all had things we wanted to do but didn't have the time when we were raising a family. Now it is your chance. Even activities that are temporary distractions can help you get through a difficult day.
3. Let Them Fly
You can't hold them back. We bring up our children with the hope that they will be successful, independent beings. Once we have accomplished this mission, we say, “oh no, what have I done." If we do a good job, we make ourselves redundant. Remind yourself that you did the best job as a parent that you could and that they miss you too. You gave them wings, let them fly.
4. Reach Out
Don't be afraid to seek emotional support. Reach out to family and friends. Having someone to talk to that has gone through similar experiences can help you put your fears into perspective. We are each entitled to our feelings, and every parent’s empty nest experience is unique.
5. Move Forward
It is never healthy to dwell on something you cannot change. Letting go of our children is hard, but young adults moving out of their parent's home is a normal and healthy event. Take hold of your life and figure out a new path. The kids have moved on, and you must as well. It is time to visit new places and try new things. It is a significant change; you go back to being on your own if you are a single parent or to being a couple again if you have a partner. Plans can be made; plans can be changed to accommodate your budget. Don’t wait too long, do it while you can do the physical things you need to do to travel like walk longer distances, climb stairs, lift and carry items.
They Will Come Back For:
- food
- laundry services
- financial assistance
- vehicle issues - repairs, tires
- the kind of tender loving care only a parent can provide
- to console them when they are homesick
- for recipes “How did you make that?”, “Why doesn't mine taste like yours?”
- proofreading essays
- during final exams when they are cramming and lamenting that they shouldn't have let things pile up
- asking you over the phone, “Tell me if you think this food is spoiled?”
- cleaning inquiries, “How does my place get dirty, I'm never home?”
- grocery shopping, “Do you know how much food costs Mom?”
- when they have their first job and realize they will have more month than money
- advice on how to deal with a relationship crisis
- to unload their stress on to you so they can go to sleep and you can lay awake thinking about it
You Have Been Through Tough Times Before - You Have the Inner Strength to Make It
I wasn't sure I would make it through my first empty nest episode, but once I realized I could get through it and accepted this inevitable part of life, the second time around went smoother. It is ok to have negative feelings; it is part of being human.
Bonus Section
- you will have more room in your house - note it takes about ten years for them to move the last of their stuff out of your home
- their friends will no longer browse through your fridge when you're not home - what you left in there will still be there when you want it
- you don't have to listen to their music or video games
- you can cook what you like
- when you are away from home, you no longer have to worry that your teenagers will throw a party at your house in your absence
Final Words
Good luck, empty nesters keep your chins up! Acknowledge your feelings, but try not to live there. Don't look back; you are not going that way.
Thanks for reading. Have a big fun day!
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