Every relationship in our life is there for a reason, and they somehow need to fit together; each meets a need, teaches us something and plays a part in who we become. Through these connections, we meet new and interesting people. The primary relationships we have throughout our lives include:
When I was a kid, my grandparents were already in their seventies. I was always a bit wary of doing something wrong when I was around them. That time was kind of the end of the children should be seen and not heard era. They weren’t the type of grandparents that wrestled with you on the floor. I mean, my grandmas were of the dresses and stockings generation. On the rare occasion that my parents went out, the older siblings babysat, so there was no need for us to sleepover at our grandparents.
There was also a language barrier as one of my grandmas mainly spoke French, and I didn’t. Yes, paying attention in French class would have been beneficial. The bonding I did at my grandparents’ house was mainly with my cousins. I loved the time we spent together there.
I try to be a hands-on grandparent, getting on the floor with them even if it feels like I’ve fallen and can’t get up. That alone should be motivation for grandparents to manage their weight and stay active!!
A parent can be many things: a friend, teacher, confidant, role model and advisor. Parents should provide a home where their children feel safe and loved unconditionally. Unconditional love, though, still requires boundaries. They are a child's protector - I am talking about getting the monsters out from under the bed level of courage.
Regardless of the depth of your relationship with your siblings, you are bonded by the DNA you share.
Although there are significant age gaps amongst the five siblings in my family, as we were born between 1947 and 1970, I have a solid, supportive and loving relationship with them.
Even though we are not all together that often, there is always that blood bond. A visceral connection you feel in your soul that distance cannot break.
We all have a similar sense of humour, and the girls' laughs and voices are a lot alike. We like to grow and create things and have similar mannerisms and expressions.
When you have siblings, you acquire brothers and sisters-in-law and become acquainted with their families as well. I often think of my Mom and Dad (who both came from large families of ten and eight kids, respectively). There were many relatives who lived nearby who offered lots of support and shared in good times.
I am the middle sister and I shared a room with my older sister until she left home and then my little sister moved in until I left, so I never was alone. A double bed didn’t seem small then, and the smallest one always had the big sister's reluctant leg to warm her feet on.
If you and your partner have similar morals and values, the road ahead will be smoother. If not, one or the other will have to compromise. Relationships evolve, especially when children come into the mix. Having common friendships and interests are also important, but so is having individual pursuits that the other partner respects.
People remain single for various reasons, either by choice or because they have not found the right person yet, and that is fine. Having the time to get to know yourself can be beneficial to your life in the long term. Many of us who got married in our teens did not have the opportunity to do that, and we are still trying to find ourselves.
Your grown children move on to a new phase of life and are no longer dependent on you. That is how it should be, it is the natural progression of things, but it’s still a significant change for you as parents and as a couple.
Children are dependent on you, and that is a huge responsibility. The focus of your life rapidly changes from me/we to them. How you spend your time and money changes as your family grows. Raising kids is all-consuming: daycare, school, lunches, meals, laundry, activities and their desire to be with their friends. You don't have time for much else during those years.
At this stage as a parent your child may not believe that you are all-wise and your advice may be met with resistance. Don’t despair as this is only a temporary state of being. Teens naturally pull away as they crave the freedom to make their own decisions. This change can leave you with a sense of loss, but it is normal to feel that way.
Once your children are out of the teenage years you miraculously appear knowledgeable to them again. They want your help and advice and appreciate your wisdom. Many people I know, including myself, consider their adult children their best friends and that is a beautiful thing.
Your family grows as you become a mother or father-in-law, and gain sons and daughters who become an integral and cherished part of your family. I am grateful our children have loving and supportive partners to share their lives with and bring us grandchildren.
As an adult child another phase of life comes when you may become a caregiver for your aging parents. The sandwich generation refers to people who are raising their children at the same time that they are being caretakers for their parents. This can be an incredibly stressful time for a family.
It is different being a grandparent than it was when you were raising your own kids. Grandparents look at things through a different lens as they have a wealth of hard earned experience to draw on.
Your children know they can share their kids milestones with you, those moments are insignificant to anyone else but so precious to grandparents. Grandchildren are a source of pride, the thought that a part of you lives down the generations is powerful.
I do want to be the grandparent that wrestles with the kids on the floor. Those are the kind of memories I want them to have of me. I love to teach them things, tell them stories, and watch them learn and grow. The feeling of their arms around me and the sound of their laughter fills my cup. The fact that they think I am smart and have super eyes that can find anything that is lost makes me feel so valued.
These relationships enforce our sense of family and belonging. Many people of my generation come from large families and our parents came from even larger families. This means that we have a lot of aunts, uncles and cousins. Growing up we visited back-and-forth with relatives, as that seemed to be my parents primary friend group. They were also friends with the neighbours and Dad had his fishing and hunting buddies.
Shared experiences between people become memories and these experiences create a bond called friendship. Most of us find that as we get older we retain a few close friends. Over time, circumstances in our lives wittle our friend group down to those few important people. With a true friend you can be apart for periods of time and comfortably pick up right where you left off when you are reunited.
A friend is someone who:
- Tells you the truth even if it hurts
- Doesn’t judge you unfairly
- Respects your beliefs
- Encourages you to try new things, but doesn’t try to change who you are
- Stands by you in the hard times as well as in the good ones
- You can rely on
- Can keep things in confidence, someone you can share your secrets with
- Doesn’t make every situation about them
- Is not merely an onlooker- when you are in the trenches they jump in with you
Not every friendship lasts a lifetime, as people grow, move away, form new relationships, evolve and take different paths. We all have flaws and a part of being a good friend is accepting those flaws. Being there to support a friend should never mean that you sacrifice your well being in the process.
Colleagues often share a sense of solidarity over injustices they feel no-one else understands. Co-workers can be on the job together for decades forming strong attachments. People say they won’t miss the job when they leave but they will miss the people they worked with.
We build relationships with doctors, dentists, hairdressers, clerks and many more people who pass through our lives. We continually encounter people through casual contact and leave an impression of ourselves on them in the first fleeting moments of every exchange.
Many of us have a list of connections on social media. This gives us the opportunity to connect with like-minded people from around the world - it’s amazing when think about it. It is important though, to keep the balance. It’s probably not good to have hundreds of virtual friends but no one to go for coffee with. Although if you’re an introvert, and you’re comfortable with the level of interaction you have with people you shouldn’t feel pressured into social situations either.
Undoubtedly, most people experience toxic relationships at some point in time. It can be a spouse, employer, friend, child, coworker or a relative.
What makes a relationship a healthy one versus a toxic one?
Healthy Relationships Involve:
- trust
- honesty
- shared interests
- mutual respect
- comfortable with each other pursuing separate interests
- genuinely happy for each other’s successes
Red Flags
- conflicting morals and goals
- extreme jealousy
- need to one up each other’s achievements
- possessive
- controlling
- isolate you from friends and family
- have a detrimental affect on your self esteem
- substance abuse issues
- self-centered, all about me attitude, never ask about you
To build healthy relationships, keep the lines of communication open and try to build on what you have in common. Surround yourself with people who you can count on to support you through the sun and the rain and don’t be ashamed to ask them for help.
Fitting all these relationships together is like doing a puzzle. People comment that it is a small world in the sense that we often encounter someone who recognizes us or knows someone we know.
Even though we can become set in our ways and don’t like stepping out of our comfort zone it is good to allow ourselves the freedom to be open to new relationships in different areas of our lives.
I am aware that not everyone has all of these relationships in their lives, and that loneliness can have a significant effect on physical and mental health. Life gets busy and we can become oblivious to how the people around us are actually doing. Making small talk doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but with practice and as our confidence grows we can improve this skill. We don’t know what others are dealing with so never underestimate the impact a simple gesture can have, it costs nothing: acknowledge them on the street, look them in the eye and smile, extend a compliment or take a moment to listen.
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