🔗 PODCAST OF THIS EPISODE
Don’t panic; to qualify for one of these titles, your behaviour must consistently bug the hell out of others. If you half-ass it and are known only to be obnoxious occasionally, then you don’t make the cut. I am talking about the hardcore; there is no hope for them ever to change individuals.
People with these traits can include parents, spouses, children, colleagues and friends. As much as we would like to get rid of them all sometimes, that is usually not legally possible, so we need to learn to cope.
The little things make the greatest impact: a smile, a hug, or a thank you. It needs to be a two-way street, though, don’t expect someone to bolster you up when you give them zero support in return.
Why can certain people maintain a positive attitude even when they have significant life struggles, while the next guy feels that their world is collapsing when they hit a small bump in the road? My theory is that the more adversity people face, the more they can handle. If you’ve never experienced upheaval in your life, the first time can, indeed, be traumatic. It is through difficult times that we learn coping skills, compassion, forgiveness, kindness and empathy.
It is hard to relate to something you haven't experienced. For example, my mom has Parkinson’s, a terrible disease, and when I hear someone else has a loved one suffering from the same illness, I can empathize with how they feel. If I had not had this experience in my life, I would react differently.
Why can some show empathy while others cannot? Highly empathetic people absorb the energy put out by those around them and they often become overwhelmed and suffer physical and mental ailments. If you are an empath who is continually exposed to toxic individuals, heaven help you!
How much of our upbringing and the attitudes of our families determine our mindset? Do we live what we learn? The old saying "you’re just like your mother/father” came about for a reason.
First up -
The COMPLAINERS
(Whiners, Snivelers, Bellyachers - Yes, I love outdated words!)
If you give a complainer all your attention, they will suck every ounce of energy out of you like a vampire; instead, challenge them to be solutions focused, enabling them to problem solve for themselves.
If you despise your job and incessantly complain about it, remember, there have been many who have had worse jobs throughout history, such as roadkill collector, food taster (to verify it wasn’t poisoned), whipping boy (where you would take the rich guy’s punishment instead of him), drying paint watcher, dog food taster, plague burier or rat catcher. Thinking about those jobs for a second might help ease the sting of your dissatisfaction. Leave work issues at work; frankly, nobody else gives a shit!
We love to complain about the weather and, of course, our aches and pains. Try not to let yourself go to those dark places. A negative mind will find fault in everything, while a positive mind will find opportunities. I know this is challenging if you’re freezing your butt off in -40C weather or you suffer pain from a chronic health condition.
People can become increasingly hostile as they age. Everyone does not age like fine wine, some age more like stinky cheese. Life experiences may make us jaded - I saw this saying that resonates with me, "They said I changed a lot. I said a lot changed me.”
The ONE-UPPERS
(Braggart, Blowhard, Swaggerer, Boaster)
Most of us were raised to be competitive to some degree. Every parent wants their kid to be successful, although some push harder than others. This can lead to a fear of being outdone by someone else.
Why do we want to one-up the next guy? Our brain searches for something we have or have accomplished that is better. Perhaps it is a deep-seated insecurity of being perceived as a failure, less than or not enough, and we want to impress them. Be mindful of who you share your triumphs with, if you know someone won’t listen to or support you, don’t share your news with them. Surround yourself with people who build you up.
Trying to understand where they’re coming from and not giving in to the urge to be competitive with them may help.
The KNOW-IT-ALLS
(Windbag, Wiseass, Wisenheimer, Wise Guy, Smart Aleck)
One person can't know everything because if they did, their head would explode. Many are great at portraying that they do, though, and can be very convincing. When they get wound up talking, they feel an intoxicating sense of superiority. This form of attention-seeking may mask more profound issues. Encourage them to allow others to express themselves and share their knowledge; if they do, they might even learn something.
It is best to pick your battles, as these people can be loud and exhausting. Ask questions to see if they actually know what they’re talking about, and maintain your sense of humour.
Some things to think about:
- The Importance of Self-Awareness
The best teacher is our last mistake. The goal of self-analysis is to evolve into a better person, not to be demoralized.
If we don’t like the idea of falling into these categories, how can we turn things around and change our behaviour?
How do we become more self-aware?
Asking others for input and journaling can increase self-awareness and help us achieve our goals, gain confidence and pursue things we enjoy.
- How to deal with toxic relationships.
Remember that you can’t change someone else’s behaviour; only they can do that. You can change how you react to it and whether you continue to subject yourself to the behaviour.
A lousy attitude adversely affects the person exhibiting it and the mental health of those around them. Self-preservation sometimes requires stepping back from those who deplete you.
If maintaining the relationship is your goal, how do you point out these habits to a friend or relative without getting throat punched?
Perhaps we overthink things. They may act that way because they are struggling with something that has nothing to do with us.
- Compliments
Most of us don't know how to give compliments and are uncomfortable receiving them. We get embarrassed, say we are not deserving or minimize the accomplishment.
If you deserve a compliment, graciously accept it and move on; you aren't being vain or conceited. Compliments are free to give and boost self-confidence, so hand them out like candy for legitimate things. Your words could brighten someone's entire day. If you’re going to be patronizing, though; hold your tongue; that isn't helpful. When extended in good faith, it can be a win-win situation, as it feels good to straighten someone else’s crown instead of knocking it off.
Things you could compliment people on include; their general appearance, doing a good job, going the extra mile, or putting someone else first.
The little things make the greatest impact: a smile, a hug, or a thank you. It needs to be a two-way street, though, don’t expect someone to bolster you up when you give them zero support in return.
My mom says that when you are successful at something, it is alright to be proud; next week, it will be the other person’s turn, and then it will be your time to praise them. This makes sense in theory but can be hard to follow through with because jealousy is a strong emotion. Sometimes the best advice is that if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.
- Self-Care
Self-care is something we should prioritize. Usually, the less we care for ourselves, the more we act in unproductive ways. These behaviours. come easier than positive ones. The latter takes more energy, and some of us are merely lazy. When I hear myself complaining, I often struggle to stop myself. It’s like I’m a runaway train careening down the track.
We all know characters who thrive on creating drama and the attention that follows. Something is a crisis one day, but it is soon forgotten, and the perpetrator moves on unphased, leaving everyone in their wake traumatized. What out for these devils!
Try to set boundaries with people and ask for help when needed, two things that are easy to do, right? Most of the time, I would rather stick a hot poker in my eye than set boundaries with people or ask someone for help. We are all a work in progress!
WORDS HAVE POWER! Being physically injured is different from being emotionally wounded. Words, mere combinations of letters, can build someone up, tear them apart or cause them to give up; they can cut deep.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” I don’t know who came up with that saying, but I think it was from a time when mental health was not understood. If you weren't bleeding out, you were considered good to go, no matter how you felt on the inside.
Alternately, words can encourage people to refocus and try new things, to acknowledge their accomplishments confidently and to push through when times are difficult or to move on; please choose them carefully!
Thanks for reading. I appreciate your support when you share my episodes.
Comments