Who the hell are the Joneses anyway, and why are we always trying to keep up with them?
In many parts of the world, keeping up with the Joneses refers to comparing yourself to others as a benchmark for your achievements. To fail to keep up with the Joneses is perceived as demonstrating inferiority. Shit, no pressure there!
Let's face it; life is competitive. Those who claim they don’t care what others think of them are often the people that are affected by it the most. It’s easy to say those words, but can we really turn off our feelings?
We naturally want to be accepted and liked. Those feelings are deeply entrenched in us. In 1604, William Shakespeare was the first to refer to jealousy as the green-eyed monster rearing its ugly head. The colour green symbolized abundance. We are usually our worst critics; feeling like we don’t measure up takes up so much energy. It can be exhausting.
We mistakenly think that the next stage of life will be easier. It’s usually not; each phase brings challenges. It may be stressful, but it’s what keeps us on our toes.
Like many other people, I feel like I should accomplish more or have more. There will always be social cliques that we feel we should fit into but don’t. There is peer pressure at every stage in life, whether you’re a child, a teenager, a spouse, a parent, or a grandparent. There are things that others have that we think would make us happy if we had them. Then once we get them, we move on to wanting something else. Maybe self-control is what we need to work on.
I feel I should be past the stage in life of comparing myself to others. In actuality, I don’t think that ever stops. I think I am too old, tired, or busy to deal with that anymore, but those insecurities are still there. They lurk in the background, waiting to pounce on me in a weak moment.
A little part of us secretly revels in others' failures because it makes ours look not so bad. When we are really struggling mentally, we can find ourselves knocking others down in a desperate attempt to build ourselves up. It is easier to look for fault in others than in ourselves.
We should be able to celebrate our successes and find support in times of hardship. Should we feel the need to apologize for, or minimize our successes and hide our failures?
Many of us are perfectionists in certain areas of our lives. Do you think perfectionism is something you are born with, a lifestyle choice or an affliction? Perfectionism, comparison, and fear can be intertwined. It can be a challenging cycle to break free from.
Even if you decide you need what the Joneses have, there are still many decisions involved that can elicit a great deal of anxiety. I tell myself that if I am really struggling with a decision to get something, then the answer is already there for me; it is no. If something is right for you, those feelings shouldn’t be so dominant.
Prior to the pandemic, I did not go to the city often, so I didn’t buy that much on impulse. Now I shop online which makes it easy to click a button and have whatever I want delivered to me. I am trying to work on my self-control. I put the desired item in my virtual shopping cart and revisit it a few days later to see if it is still a burning desire or if it has fizzled out and the voice of reason has prevailed. If at that time, I still feel I need it, then I order it.
Viewing what is in the media has become more than many people can cope with, and some have made the choice to limit their exposure. I really can’t decide if burying your head in the sand is better than knowing and facing what’s going on around you. At times in the last couple of years, the world has seemed like a train wreck that you just couldn’t look away from. Nothing can deflate you faster than social media, yet many of us are inexplicably drawn to it. When you are alone a lot, it is good company. Plus, it is the way many entrepreneurs reach people that they want to do business with. If you don’t keep up with technology, you will definitely be left in the dust.
Comparison isn’t limited to material possessions. It is such an important mental health issue because comparison impacts how we see ourselves. Those thoughts can be positive, but more often, they are harmful. Our appearance is definitely not immune to scrutiny; everything from our hair, skin, weight, height, and build are on display for judgement every time we step out in public.
Men suppress their feelings more, but they deal with this issue as well. For centuries and even today, men were expected to be the main provider for their family. If they are unable to do that to the level they feel they should, it can be a huge blow to their mental well-being.
Below are some of the dangers of comparison and more balanced and helpful ways to look at it:
The Dangers
- Makes us feel like we are not good enough.
- Trusting our self-worth to indifferent strangers is taking a considerable risk, as their intentions may not be in our best interests.
- If we can’t quiet the noise of comparison in our heads, it prevents us from being present in our everyday lives.
- It is disempowering, tears us down.
- Causes us to procrastinate for fear of taking risks.
- People-pleasing behaviours
- Suppresses our creativity.
- Leaves people with a sense of dissatisfaction with their lives.
- Can lead to the cycle of low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, self-harming and suicidal ideations.
- Self-medicating - food, alcohol, drugs, shopping
How to Escape the Comparison Trap
- Be aware you are doing it and how much it takes from your life. These feelings can come on quickly due to a particular trigger, or they can be subtle and wear you down over time.
- Understand that everyone’s life is imperfect.
- Talk to someone you trust or seek professional support. There is no shame in asking for help. Making this decision could save your marriage, your relationship with your children, your job, or even your life.
- Acknowledge the negative thoughts and try to refocus. Sometimes it can be telling yourself something as simple as, "it is what it is," and then let it go.
- Try to limit your exposure to toxic people. Beware of one-uppers.
- Don’t make assumptions; things are not always as they seem; if something looks too good to be true, it probably is. Look at the whole picture, the positive and the negative. Seeing just the good aspects of others lives and comparing ourselves only to those leaves us with unrealistic expectations.
- Treat yourself with compassion.
- Ask yourself - what do I truly want?
- What does enough look like for me?
It is one thing to say we want more, but we have to stop and think, "what am I willing to sacrifice to get it? i.e. work more, less time with family, the added financial burden. We need to keep in mind what the people we are comparing ourselves to have done to accomplish their goals. i.e. years of schooling, shift work, working away from home, travel, the financial insecurity of certain lifestyles. Some have support from their families, but many have worked like dogs for years to get to where they are.
The best we can do is try and pace ourselves to save some emotional energy for the things that really matter. That inevitable next thing is just around the corner. Keep in mind, “if not this, then it will be something else.” Don’t spend all your energy worrying that your neighbour has a better car than you and not have anything left to cope with the issues that will inevitably arise in life.
Are you merely surviving, or are you thriving? Fear of failure is a massive issue for many of us. If I don’t try anything new, I can’t fail, and nobody can judge me, right? It took me years to muster up the courage to try new things, and I still struggle with self-doubt daily. More than once, I have posted something I liked at the moment, only to feel panic shortly after and delete it. I hope you have the courage to try the things that fulfill you from wherever you are at your in life.
As long as you get up more times than you fall down, you are still in this race called life.
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Podcast episode of this post.
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